“In the end, no one experiences life on our behalf, and we cannot experience life for others. Our existence, our being… are merely the experiences we are undergoing. Whether we are joyful, sad, in pain, doing whatever – that is life. So, let’s not reject that life, that vibrancy within us.”

Question: Ly, Let me ask you a question. Actually, there’s a person I’m angry with, and I have this urge to slap them. It’s like every time I think about it, I want to meet them and slap them. In my mind, I imagine myself slapping them and then I feel better. Sometimes, even when I’m sleeping, I dream about hitting them. I do observe this, but I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way…

This person did apologize to me, and although I’m really angry inside, I tell them that I’m not angry. I say that I care for them, but deep down, I’m furious. Whenever I think about them or get close, all I want to do is hit them. There have been times when I actually sought them out and intended to hit them. While walking, I sometimes imagine myself hitting them, and even when I’m asleep, I dream about slapping them.

The truth is, that person is at fault, but later I think maybe I’m angry, but I’m not able to express it.

Response: Because you’re being dishonest, you feel like you’re not being truly fair to yourself.

Let’s say someone apologizes, but you could still say: “I’m still very angry. I can’t forgive you yet. I’m really angry, and I don’t want to see your face. I haven’t calmed down, I’ll need time, I don’t know when.” For instance. But you don’t dare say that, you don’t permit yourself to experience that surge of anger, you don’t acknowledge it, right?

“Why would someone want to hurt, slap, curse, and degrade others? Lan is here, open to sharing this story with us, and she has never hit anyone. But this mechanism is a common one: “I want to be a good person. I want to appear friendly on the outside. I must be a good person, I must be generous and compassionate.

So when I get angry, I think, ‘Oh, people are so polite, they’ve apologized to me, they’re a perfect 5-star rating, I should act the same way.’

‘I don’t acknowledge my emotions,’ that’s the first suppression.

Now, let’s reflect: why do some people harm others? Why do some people attack others? Or more accurately, why does evil exist?

Evil sometimes arises from the desire to be good and to reject oneself.

It’s quite perplexing. Firstly, “I want to look good, so I have to suppress my anger, I can’t express it. I won’t let myself be angry.”

Next, since “I don’t allow myself to be angry to be able to respond in a dignified manner, saying, ‘It’s okay, I’m fine.’ or something that sounds formal, nice in appearance, aligning with societal norms. I’m not brave, I don’t admit my feelings, I continue to suppress them.

After talking like that, I still won’t allow myself to be angry. ‘I have to be noble. They’ve apologized to me, so I have to be noble!’

Not allowing oneself to be angry means the suppression continues. The anger isn’t acknowledged, it isn’t understood, it piles on layer after layer. ” I ” still think it’s the other person’s fault. So ” I ” always want to handle and resolve that other person to get rid of my anger, which is first suppressed by me.

This is the mechanism, the cycle. The cycle’s first aspect is a lack of mindfulness, the second is not permitting, meaning not acknowledging, not being truthful to oneself.

Not acknowledging one emotions is a terrible, self-conscious feeling. One don’t feel respected because one don’t acknowledge her own feelings. She judges them. And that continues to amplify the feelings of resentment, anger, and injustice. It’s like they’re stuffed together, making everything more tangled, more trapped, more corrupted.

However, if we are honest with our experiences and understand mindfulness and permission, when someone does something that angers us, we know we’re angry. They apologize, and we’re glad, but the anger still lingers, forgiveness hasn’t happened yet. We know that eventually we should forgive everyone like a bodhisattva, but do we love ourselves? Are we honest with ourselves?

If we are, we’ll see: ‘I haven’t forgiven yet, I need time, I need experience, and I’ll be honest about that. I’ll permit myself to experience that anger.’ Not by provoking ourselves more, but by allowing the natural unfolding inside.

And we can honestly say to them: ‘You apologized, but I’m still angry. I’m still angry at you, I need time, I haven’t forgiven yet, I haven’t calmed down.’

That doesn’t harm anyone when we honestly speak these words, so they understand that we’re still processing those emotions, that energy.

By doing that, gradually, with observation, the anger might burn for a while, but if we permit it and don’t project it onto others, even if we feel like hitting, slapping, or whatever, we have no other choice but to recognize that feeling. Acknowledge our desires within, and permit it – yes, this mechanism of suppression that’s been building up for years has led to this energy being operated this way, so one accepts it.

Not seeking a different way is the fastest route. And avoiding meeting the other person because we’re still weak, we haven’t controlled our behavior.

But the first thing is permission and acknowledging our emotions. If you continue to judge, can you imagine that even someone who’s kind might judge someone evil, or someone good might judge someone bad? No, only not permitting leads to judging what’s happening.

This non-permission makes things worse. So, assuming kindness but in reality being judgmental, that’s hypocrisy. And it’s hardest to be hypocritical with ourselves, it’s very painful!

In that way, we’ll be lost in this maze. So cut this vicious circle by:

When we feel like slapping someone, like killing someone, we recognize it and hold ourselves, embrace that feeling, yes, embrace it.

Avoid meeting the other person, avoid diving in, it’s very good to control that. Don’t cause harm to others while you’re still working on yourself.

This control isn’t about doing anything, it’s about love – permission – love – allowing difficult emotions, ones you don’t understand, to occur. Permitting.

Then it’s like pent-up gas, after being compressed for a long time, it won’t explode anymore. Now that it’s not compressed, it won’t explode. Gradually, it has to rise, to release, to spread out. When it spreads out, you’ll smell it, you’ll sense it. You’ll be amazed, but keep smelling and keep permitting, then it dissipates, it thaws. And gradually, it gets lighter. And that’s when you start to see things beyond that.

The journey might be long, but you’ll know you’re on the right track when your heart gets lighter day by day. It might not be over, but it becomes clearer and lighter.

Finally, if your anger isn’t directed at others anymore, if you don’t blame others anymore, then it’s truly gone.

Question: Thank you, Ly. Actually, it’s fortunate that I intended to approach them a few times and stopped.

Answer: You did the right thing by stopping.

Question: Yes.

Answer: Because every individual’s experience shows that even if we do something negative like judging, ridiculing, hitting, or scolding, we might have a fleeting satisfaction at that moment, but true inner peace is absent. Why? Because, in truth, we haven’t resolved the issue; we haven’t worked on ourselves. True inner peace isn’t there, and our conscience torments us. Definitely!

Deep inside everyone is a strong goodness, an ability to connect unconditionally with anyone, an ability to empathize with anyone. So, even if we think we’ve scolded ourselves a lot, there are moments when we feel, ‘There are many ways to act,’ so pause, work on yourself.

Actually, life presents situations where we can’t ignore massive energy anymore. We can’t ignore ourselves anymore; we can’t suppress ourselves anymore. We have to return to learning, learn to ‘observe – accept,’ and love our experiences.

Ultimately, no one can experience life for us, and we can’t experience life for anyone else. Our life, our existence… they are just experiences we’re going through. We’re happy, sad, in pain, doing something – that’s life. So, don’t reject that life, that vividness within you.