From Eliott’s diary

A mind observation blog

Day 75

23 November

this morning i felt intense sexual desire, i could see how i was very alert to any stimuli. I observed how my sexual pulsion was taking over. I was horny and craving.

I felt electric in my genitals. I felt vibration and shaking in my limbs. My eyes were looking in every direction, restless.

I tried to approach Ly. She was busy and let me know she was not available; but i also see that i approached her clumsily. I was rushing and acted out of need; she maybe felt that i wanted to sayisfy an urge and did not feel like indulging.

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-As i was driving today, i felt full and content. My eyes teared up. I felt beatitude, like beam of energy rushing through me. My eyes were relaxed and seeing everything clearly.

I realised how beautiful was everything i could see and feel. The road, the sun through the clouds, the flowers, Ly by my side, Leo sleeping -i could see through my mirror-,the car.

It was an intense experience, short in duration, but it hit me very strongly and triggered many emotions.

I felt happiness, sadness, content and remorse at the same time. I was crying and smiling together. I felt aching in my chest but so bright successively in an instant.

I realise that the world is purely full of love and beauty. All these years living in lies and darkness had made me numb. I can observe how i open to life and reality now.

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-I realised today, as i was feeling so close to Ly and Leo and i felt so simple, pure, present, happy and loving, that all these years i had not felt truely the meaning these words carry.

Before, my sensations and emotions were always tinted by my thoughts or my ego.

Today i felt so touched multiple times. I saw that what i was feeling was pure and not from a “fabrication” of my mind.

{what i want to express here is not so clear, i will write about it again when i can explain this phenomenon more clearly}

Eliott