Exerp from Eliott mind observation blog

Day 87

– I can witness how i am more aware and in phase with others’s emotions. Especially with Ly’s and Leo’s.

I recall the sensations as i believed something was wrong:
-feeling of emptiness in my guts
-something dark crawling in my spine
-clouded mind and vision
-tingling in my neck and upper back

I always had expectation (unconscionably) of Ly to be full on smiling and joyful at all time. I was so egocentered that i ONLY wanted that “happy” side of Ly – at every moment.

Anytime i would see Ly is not lively (recently only i realised that she is just being at peace) or would hold a neutral face expression (just being her calm, relaxed self), i would feel disconnected, even upset, scared that i did something wrong, or concerned about how to solve her “problem”.

My mind would go full speed imagining and fabricating a multitude of assumptions and delusional realities, in order to fit the lies in my head.

But now i do not take it personally anymore, i can be here, and do not feel “concerned” or upset or wanting to solve problem. I can just be with her, opened and feeling her. I am still warm and present, loving and caring. I am still connected and do not expect anything.

Being next to Ly feels so good and so simple. I can see how my mind used to create all kind of scenarii, all the time, detatching me from the reality and disconnecting me from people around me.

Now i just feel happy and full. i do not worry unreasonably about Ly and Leo. I am just here.